i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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