Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
