My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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