So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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