does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
May the power of my ass compel you!!
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Randomize
