So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
