Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
