What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
