when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
