Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
He shit in the fireplace
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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