i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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