nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
His hands were made for my vagina.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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