Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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