How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
