she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
