She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
