Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
