Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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