you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
