you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
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She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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