Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
