my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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