TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
