We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
