dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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