I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
