your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
