alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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