She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
