someone get that fucking seahorse.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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