you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
