i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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