i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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