Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
It's no shave November. This is our time.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
