Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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