so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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