I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
