Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
