there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
This baby is an asshole
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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