when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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