He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You did what with his pubic hair?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
