also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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