I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
