my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
