as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Randomize
