And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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