You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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