Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Randomize
