I will die if light touches me.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
