do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
