I wish my penis had an off switch
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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